


Part Of Me

by Midnight Rain (MidnightRains)



Category: Roseanne, The Connors
Genre: Greiving loss of a loved one, Narrative work, Other, Stream of conscious, gender fluidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 15:26:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16328612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRains/pseuds/Midnight%20Rain
Summary: A stream of conscious peek into Mark Connor Healy's headspace set around last night's premiere of The Connors





	Part Of Me

I miss Granny Rose. I could tell her things, talk to her about stuff I can't talk to anyone else about. Not even Harris. Especially not my mom. My dad, he was easier to talk to, but he was a lot like Grampa Dan. He'd try to be supportive without really saying anything helpful. But Granny Rose, she always seemed to know what to say to ease my anxiety. 

She's been gone three weeks, and it feels longer than that at the same time it feels like yesterday. I'll never forget that afternoon. One of Mom's friends picked me up from school, which is super unusual, so right away I knew something was wrong. And then when we got to the house, there was an ambulance and two police cars out front. 

We've kind of settled back in to a routine. I get up and go to school. I never really know what the house is going to look like when I get home because Aunt Jackie keeps doing stuff, like washing the couch and rearranging the kitchen. Mom says to just go with it, because it's Aunt Jackie's way of coping. She and Granny Rose didn't always get along, but that's how it is with siblings. Mom's the same way with Becky and DJ, and I guess Harris and I are like that too. 

We aren't close. We never really have been. She doesn't understand me, and I guess I don't understand her. She's more like Mom and I'm more like Dad. She's all about being negative and annoying, where I like to try and see the good in everyone and everything. Aunt Jackie copes by moving things around, I cope by being positive as much as I can. 

It's hard now. Without Granny Rose. I miss her so much. And now since she's not here, and my dad's not here, I feel alone a lot of the time. Like it's me against the world, when before I at least had Granny Rose in my corner. But she's gone, and Harris says I need to get a grip and maybe start acting more like a boy. 

I am a boy. I've never questioned that. I don't feel like a girl stuck in a boy's body. Granny Rose said I'm not transgender. I'm gender fluid. It's a totally different thing. And really, what it comes down to, is I'm just me. And I've got a lifetime ahead of me to find myself.

I like wearing girl's clothes because for one, they're more comfortable. And the colors are usually brighter. It's not because Mom dressed me in Harris' hand me downs when I was little. It's not because my dad left when I was really young and for a long time it was just Mom, Harris, and me. It's because this is who I am. I know it's not the norm, but it's not something weird, it's not a disease, it's not something anyone else should judge or be afraid of or even ridicule. It's me. And I'm not ashamed or afraid or embarrassed.

But it sure was easier when Granny Rose was here. She went to my school, on the first day, and talked to the other kids about me. That helped a lot, I think. But she's not here, now, and I don't think any of the other adults in my life are going to stick up for me the way she did. 

She really was one of a kind, and I miss her every moment of every day. I feel like a part of me is buried in the cemetery with her.


End file.
